March 9, 2016
To any of you who may be interested, I haven’t shared much about my personal life in a long time, so I figured I’d update everyone about what’s going on.
For quite a while now I’ve been finished with all my core classes for my physics degree. They were really a walk in the park. For a lot of them, I never even attended class other than test days, and that was really nice. But the thing is, I have a lot of my “crap” courses left and that really depresses me. For years now I’ve suffered from depression, which can be really severe at times, but I ONLY get depressed when I have to go to classes, and it’s always the classes I can’t stand. Maybe I’ll briefly explain why these “crap” courses make me so depressed.
I can remember one time studying for hours and hours, day after day, memorizing pointless information for a class on British literature. (By the way, I have no interest in British literature and I hate poetry.) Class itself consists of sitting passively while the professor goes over extremely boring trivia in a Powerpoint presentation. Eventually we’d be tested on this worthless information, so I had to write each bulletpoint down on a notecard and I neded up with a huge stack of cards. I’d then go over them for hours and hours, day after day, memorizing each stupid fact. Since I still have these cards (I keep all my files from each class, just for occassions like these), so I’ll share some of the questions from these cards.
“Where was Samuel Taylor Coleridge born?”
“How many brothers and sisters did Coleridge have?”
“Who did Coleridge marry and for what reason?”
“What did Coleridge die of?”
“Whose quote is this, ‘A drop of ink may make a million think'”
“When Mad Jack left Lord Byron and his mother Catherine, where did they live in the meantime?”
“Who rescued George Gordon from his unstable household?”
“Lord Byron took a vacation which was very important to him. Where was this?”
“When Mary Wooldstonecraft died, who did Godwin marry next?”
“What got Percy Shelly kicked out of school?”
“Where is Lord Byron buried?”
When that exam came around, I knew all the answers. Of course, now I don’t even know who Coleridge is, and I don’t care. I can’t answer a single question from these cards now.
Imagine doing this sort of thing for years and years. This is your life as a full time student. You have several of these sorts of classes each semester, each with their own information to memorize. To say the least, it’s psychologically draining, but this is what universities are. You sit through boring Powerpoint presentations and then you regurgitate the information on “exams”, and do busywork, like writing papers. I have a very low threshold for this bullshit.
Take this current semester. I was supposed to finally finish my last English course but I was getting so depressed attending class, I just dropped it. I ended up losing $1000, but whatever. Once I dropped the course, it was like a light shone down on me from above and I was reborn. I felt so good.
I’d often visit with my parents and they’d see me super depressed, which isn’t how I normally am. My Mom would tell me, “Jason, drop these classes. Look at what they’re doing to you. Why are you doing this to yourself?” I think I’m the only person alive whose parents tell him to drop out of college.
I was supposed to write a paper in English and I threw something together, but I just didn’t care. I thought, “I can’t take this.” I’d go to class each morning at 8 am, and that woman would drone on about the most insipid, boring stuff imaginable. Entire lectures were dedicated to the APA format, which is the formatting guidelines for American Psychological Association papers. Yippee! I’m not even a psychologist, but not that it matters. She was literally going on for thirty minutes about how to format a title page in APA. Why? Who knows and who cares. Then she had some document prepared that wasn’t formatted correctly, and we were all to correct it together in class. It was so bad. There’s supposed to be eight new lines, then the title, in this font, of this size, and two more lines down you put your university name, then the subtitle, and blah blah blah. I got on my tablet and texted a friend over Skype saying, “Please, shoot me.”
These students go to these classes like drones, and I just watch them, widdling away their lives, wasting their time doing these stupid assignments. I couldn’t help but think, “What is this doing for the world? For them? For anyone?” It was a complete waste of time. Think of all the money and time that’s wasted all over the country on this stuff. Most of these students are getting grants from the government, and that money is spent on expensive computer labs, so they can all mindlessly do these digital activities together. I wouldn’t even call most of this stuff learning. Most of it you could easily look up in thirty seconds on Google, if you needed the information. I honestly don’t get it.
I can’t do it. One of my advisors sat with me and said, “You have to do it. No matter how good you are in math and physics, you can’t graduate until you finish these other required courses.” I said, “I don’t know if I can.” I have to take it in extremely small doses, which is why it’s been taking me so long to get out of college. I can only do one, maybe two of these sorts of classes per semester. And you may say, “Jason, why do you care about these classes? Why do they matter?” Well, I have to keep a perfect GPA or I can’t do my PhD research at some of the places I want to be involved with. The competition to get into those places is just insane.
That’s the only reason I care. I want to do research as a theoretical physicist, primarily a cosmologist, researching the big questions of the universe, dark matter, the big bang, how everything came to be, and all that good stuff. Just lock me in a room, throw away the key, and leave me alone. I’ll be applying to some good schools if I can ever finish these stupid “crap” courses. I have a perfect GPA, so my goal is to do MIT. MIT doesn’t require any classes, tests, homework, or any of that stuff. You spend all your time doing research, so that’s my current goal. I’m scared if I have a single B or C on my transcript, even in a “crap” course, I won’t get in, so I have no choice. I just have to keep pushing.
If I can’t get into one of these really good schools to finish my PhD, researching cosmology, I don’t know if I’m even going to continue any of it. I doubt I will. It will all have been a giant waste of time. That’s why I did all of this. I want to work with some really bright minds on figuring out the universe. If I can’t do that, I’m just wasting time.
If I can’t end up working as a cosmologist, doing worthwhile research, which is a possibility, I’m just going pack up my bags, take whatever job or position pays the most money, I’m going to finish saving up what money I need to retire, I’m going to live as minimally as possible, and then escape to a log cabin and have no interaction with anything or anyone. The more remote, the better.
If I end up in the cabin, I’m never going to publish anything I research or figure out. I’m not going to have any ties to academia or any university. So far, I have put in almost seven years to this bullshit, writing papers I don’t care about, memorizing crap for exams, and doing all this nonsense. I’ve told myself over and over that it’s worth it in the end, but if I can’t work as a cosmologist, it really isn’t. I could have just went on as a software developer, making good money, and these universities have stolen enough of my time as it is. I’m getting too old and they’ve stolen enough of my money as it is. I’m not going to fool with any of it anymore.
It’s sad, but there are people like me in the world who really want to work on things and make a difference, but society erects this insane barrier to entry. I live here in Rolla, the same town as my university, and not including room and board, my tuition and textbook expenses alone have totaled more than $60,000. Single textbooks alone will cost $300. $300 for one book! If that’s not a barrier to entry, I don’t know what is. Oh, and did I mention all the years of my life they’ve taken? Even when I could have tested out of the courses on day one? And of course, the useless crap courses, which is literally half of my required credits to graduate.
I’m so sick of universities. I’m so sick of classes. I’m so sick of it all. It all ends in December of this year. I’ve slowly widdled away at these crap courses, one or two at a time. It could’ve ended a lot earlier, but I keep dropping classes. But this will be the end because I’m not doing it anymore. I either do real research on cosmology, figuring out real problems at a place like MIT, or I’m done. No more. Come the end of this year, I will not, I repeat, will NOT waste any more of my time memorizing information from powerpoint presentations, I will NOT write another paper on anything I’m not interested in, and I will NOT sit through lectures when I’m not learning anything. It ends this year.
2017 will be my new beginning, if I can make it there without throwing myself in front of a bus.
February 16, 2016
This is a short paper I wrote for an ethics class.
Humans are born into a difficult situation. We all want live happy, fulfilled, joyful lives, with depth and richness in our experiences, but we all know that life often does not go the way we would like it to. This is because human life is like navigating a giant hallway of doors, where each door leads to a different outcome, some good and some bad. Once you enter a particular door, you have to deal with whatever is in that room and then once again, choose another door. Our personal journey consists of the experiences we encounter in each of these doors; the problem is that we do not know what we will encounter in each doorway.
Each human wants to feel alive, to be loved, accepted, appreciated, to have a chance to exercise his unique talents and abilities, to find friendship, and many other things like this. A person’s chance of succeeding really depends on the environment they’re placed in. Regardless, we are all fractured, incomplete beings, hoping to find some sort of satiation to all the different longings which our very nature stirs within us. We find ourselves in this sea of time, forced to open these doors and experience whatever lies in each room.
To deal with this situation, humans have devised a wide myriad of strategies for navigating this maze of life. Few people create their own strategy from scratch. Most folks sort of absorb a life strategy from the world around them and go with it, but others are a bit more thoughtful and carefully choose a strategy which they hope will lead them to the best possible life. For example, some will subordinate themselves to a value system, such a religion. This religion will have a series of commandments and rules, which adherents believe originate from a divine source, and if a devout soul will follow them to the letter, they hope they will live the best possible life they could have lived on Earth. Others will search for adventure, sort of charging through life’s hallways with bravado, reveling in the entire process. Yet another popular strategy for westerners is to try to figure their own personal nature and then try to navigate their way to environments which best accommodate this nature. These people are always trying to find out who they “really” are. In the east, a common strategy is to try to ignore these inner longings, calming them through something like meditation. They see the mind like a muddy pool of water; if they can meditate and calm their inner thoughts and desires, the water will clear and they can be at peace. The possible strategies are endless and life is very complicated.
Morality is just a particular strategy humans have devised for dealing with life. A lot of it consists of rules of thumb, passed down generation to generation, leaving behind successful life strategies people have found by trial and error. When people talk about duty, honor, good and evil, wisdom, prudence, judgment, and other things like this, it is all life strategies. These systems will tell a “wise” man how to deal with a particular situation, how a person of integrity handles another situation, and so on. All of these systems of thought are like books lying in the door filled hallways. The problem is, there are so many books, so many ideas, and so many varying circumstances that you can never be fully prepared for what any door may hold. There is a lot of guessing and crossing fingers and there are no full proof strategies. Some are obviously better than others, but as we all know, good things happen to bad people and awful things happen to the best people.
Life is not fair or just, it just is. Morality does not reside anywhere in particular, it’s just an approach to life us sentient human beings use to navigate through the hallways of life. Morality is really a symptom of our fractured, incomplete existence. If we knew the end from the beginning, morality wouldn’t need to exist, but for now, people are condemned to be free.
February 9, 2016
We live in a strange age. When I first started writing this blog, I wanted to have a chronicle of all my thoughts over time, good and bad. I wanted people to see me as I really am, not as some fake personality. I wanted to be understood. I wanted to connect to like minded people, find others who may resonate with my thoughts, and maybe even share worthwhile ideas on significant topics. I wanted to have a trail which people could follow, that if they were interested enough, they could read through all my posts and understand who I am, why I think the way I do, and how I got to where I am today.
With each passing day, I find myself ever more terrified to leave this blog up. I encourage you all to watch this TED talk, and after watching it, I think you’ll understand why I feel this way.
You’ll hear about a woman who made an offhand joke to some of her coworkers on Twitter. It was retweeted and retweeted until eventually she became the internet’s next target of ridicule. She was completely destroyed. Her career was demolished. He life was thrown into disarray. She became suicidal, couldn’t sleep, and still hasn’t recovered.
I’ve been going to university now for a long time, studying Physics. I’ll very soon have a PhD in Physics and who knows, I may end up a professor someplace. This blog has been up for so long, and I’m sure it contains all sorts of things which people could dig up and use against me. My life and career aspirations could be totally destroyed. And for what? So a few people can read my thoughts on things?
All it would take is a single angry student over a bad grade, a single student sitting in a class, offended by some offhand comment I make, wanting to get me fired. It could be some random person stumbling across my blog, literally looking for someone to destroy. The better my career and position, the more at risk I am.
Jon Ronson makes an interesting point in his talk. He says, “We’re creating a surveillance society where the smartest way to survive is going back to being voiceless.” He’s exactly right. There are faceless mobs of people on Twitter, Facebook, and other social media outlets, and their greatest joy in life is to destroy other people’s lives. Ronson actually interviewed these folks who retweeted the woman’s tweets and he asked them how they felt as they retweeted the woman’s joke, destroying her life. They said it felt, “delicious.”
They’re not going to look into your life and who you are. They’re not going to try to get to know you or understand you. They’re not going to care what happens to you or whether or not you deserve the onslaught of hate and everything else which takes place. To them, destroying your life is just a simple manner of retweeting a tweet, which they got from somebody else, which they got from somebody else, all while they sit on their tablet on the couch during a commercial break from their favorite television show. As they decimate your life and career, they’ll feel this small sense of self-satisfaction, like they’re making the world a better place in their own small way. They’re doing their part.
Let’s say I go to MIT, became a great physicist and am featured in a science documentary about the universe or something. The second I become someone these social justice warriors feel has a “voice”, who they feel has “power” in some way, they’re going to dig through this blog and mine out something I’ve said and completely destroy my life. It’ll be retweeted, and retweeted, and I can see it now, “MIT Physicist said so and so…” Everyone will act appalled, insulted, and will all be out for blood. Then everything I’ve worked for, everything I’ve striven for over the past decade, it will be wiped out in an instant.
There is no justice to the social justice movement. They don’t think in terms of real justice or offer any method to acquire forgiveness. They won’t care if it’s an old view I grew out of ages ago, or whether I’m willing to change my mind and reconsider. I’m an open-minded individual, and if you give me a good argument, and point out the flaws in my thinking, I’ll probably change my mind; it happens to me all the time these days. But these social warriors won’t be satisfied. They’re a strange, chaotic power, the very opposite of every principle of democracy.
I’ve seen them destroy Nobel prize winning scientists, leaving them without jobs, getting them kicked out of their labs, all for saying a tiny joke which they thought was slightly sexist. They will get you fired for wearing a t-shirt they don’t like. If you criticize religion, you’re racist, and they go after you with everything they’ve got. Even if you hold conservative political views, which I often do in many areas, they hate you. There’s no room for dissent. No room for a different point of view. They talk about safe spaces all while making the internet a firestorm of hate and vitriol, a place closed off from discussion and sharing ideas, destroying anyone who makes them feel uncomfortable or shares ideas they don’t like or agree with.
With all this in mind, I don’t know what to do. I worry that there are archival websites out there which have every post I’ve ever written saved in them, so the damage is probably already done. I may already be screwed.
February 7, 2016
Just the other day I had a younger student ask me if I’d look at his research paper. Convinced he was onto something big, he wanted to run his ideas by someone he respects and trusts. I told him I would meet him Saturday (yesterday), and he brought his research paper. He was working on a mathematical research paper related to pressure in gases and came across an equation which he felt was particularly significant, and he wanted me to help him relate it to other areas of statistical mechanics.
I’m not really writing this to discuss his ideas or what I thought of them. What really stuck out to me was this intense desire in him to win an award. As we sat in the library, he went on and on about great physicists like Dirac, Feynman, and others, and the stories behind how they won the Nobel Prize or the Fields Medal for their work. That seemed to be his dream. He wants to win a big prize, be famous, respected, accepted, admired. It made me think of this video.
He specifically told me, “If this paper is as big as I think it is, we can publish this together and get into any university.” I sort of nodded my head and listened, not really saying much.
I’m very fascinated with physics and am always trying to learn more about the universe. But honestly, I don’t care about awards, prestigious schools, fame, recognition, or any of that. I’m actually the opposite. I wouldn’t want the attention that goes along with all of that. As time goes on, most of the best lectures from the top universities are being posted online on Youtube, so I have access to all of it nowadays anyways. I can buy the books and teach myself.
Like Mike Tyson in the video above, I care about my family, my friends, and the people I love. I want them to have happy lives, to experience good things, and for us all to share a good life, together.
All of this reminds me of one of the classes I’m in this semester. Being near graduation, I’ve taken all my main classes, but I have stupid classes I’ve been putting off left. They really depress me even having to discuss them, but we’ll make this quick. One of them is an English course. The professor, a younger woman, went on and on during a lecture, telling us all how we’re all future scholars, and we have to learn how to write like scholars, publish papers, and learn about that world. Entire class lectures have been dedicated to the citation system, finding the most influential papers, and when we decide to to publish a paper on our own, we’re to look at the current conversation going on and hop in.
I had no interest in it whatsoever. I don’t want to jump into the current conversation just because other people find it interesting or worthwhile. It comes down to whether or not I find it worthwhile and interesting. I could care less about what others are doing. What’s the point of advancing in some field you’re not even interested in? Just so you can be “successful”?
I just thought, well, I have little to no interest in publishing papers, and definitely not like this. If I find out something worthwhile in something I’m interested in, sure, I don’t mind sharing it. I’ll post it on this site here, I’ll post it on other free internet sites, or other scientists can print it in some journal if they want. But I don’t care about this academic world all that much. Publish or perish. Make sure to publish lots and lots of papers so you can say, “I’ve published hundreds of papers in my field. I’m an expert!” Well, good for you. Sounds like a lot of busywork if you ask me. I wonder how many people read most of these papers that are being cranked out?
As for me, I just want to better understand the universe and my place in it. Physics is one of my ways of going about that. That’s it. If other people work on the same problems that interest me, great, but otherwise, I don’t see a point to it.
People always seem to be chasing things that mean nothing. To me, I’m happy to receive an award with others if it’s a celebration of of all our hard work together, a way of remembering our journey together, but if it’s an award for just me, it’s ok, I’ll pass. I didn’t attend my high school graduation. I won’t be attending my college graduation. Most every award I’ve ever won, I’ve turned down. I’d probably turn down the Nobel Prize if I were to win it, though I worry that’d draw even more attention to me, so I don’t know what I’d do. I’m just not interested in that stuff anymore. As Mike Tyson said, “It’s garbage.”
January 11, 2016
You know what? I’m completely buried in snow, unable to do anything. That being the case, I guess I’ll write a post about what Muslims believe. There are frequently discussions about terrorism, women’s rights, gay rights, and a host of other things and their relationship to Muslims, and very few people are actually informed with actual facts and statistics. So, let’s look into this.
A few years ago (April 2013) the Pew Research Center did an extensive survey of over 38,000 Muslims in 39 countries, with each country having over 10 million Muslims. If you want to view the report for yourself, it is here. Let’s ask the politically incorrect questions shall we? How many of them supported the shootings in Paris and 9/11? Do they want to impose Sharia law on the world? What do they think about women’s rights? How many of them believe in stoning women who commit adultery? How many of them would kill you if you left their religion? How many of them support homosexuals?
We’ll start with the biggest question, terrorism. How many of them would kill you for doing something like drawing a cartoon of the Prophet? The majority of them would not, but it’s pretty scary the number who would.
Considering that each of these countries have 10 million or more Muslims, even if only a minority of 7% want to commit such acts, that’s over 700,000 people. There are millions of radicals roaming around. That terrifies me. Muslims know they have crazies extremist groups and it worries them, as is indicated in this next poll. Radical Christian crazies scare them too.
So how many Muslims want to institute Sharia law? The answer? A lot of them.
How about women’s rights? Basically they think women should be submissive and let men run society.
And how many of them would stone a woman for committing adultery? Well, have a look.
You’ve probably heard that Muslims won’t let you leave their religion. They strongly believe in freedom of religion. They’ll let you practice your faith in peace. However, if you convert to their faith and try to leave, a very large number of them will hunt you down and kill you.
As I mentioned, they are firm believers in religious freedom.
Do they support homosexuals? Hah, are you kidding me? No, they do not.
If you want to learn more read the full report in the link I provided in the beginning.