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Finding A Quality Woman
December 22, 2006
Women frequently wish to be judged on higher principles than their sexual attraction. What are these principles, and how can we identify them?
I’m going to start this entry by listing out principles, which I feel, are of the highest principles a woman can exhibit. This list may not be all-inclusive, but it is the list that is the best of my knowledge, and is the one I currently use. I will list them out in descending order, where #1 is the principle I feel most important.
1. Listening
2. Love for Life
3. Intelligence
Each one of these 3 areas break down into a very large discussion.
1. Listening
Considering that 99.999% of all human interaction is by speaking to one another, listening is, to me, the highest priority principle anyone to exhibit, not just women.
If you’ve been reading my past journal entries, I’ve been talking about extraversion. The degree in which anyone is a listener typically reflects the degree of their introversion/extraversion. Listening reflects their extraverted interest in their fellow man. A person who does not listen at all, has no interest in their fellow man. The greater their degree of ability to listen, the greater their degree of interest in their fellow man. I hold interest in the affairs of the people around you to be the top priority in life, so I have rated listening as priority 1.
My friend Greg and I, on a long trip back from St. Louis a few days ago, had a discussion about women, and we shared our experiences. We found we both had experienced the near same thing – most women are not listeners. They like to claim they are, but they are not. This, I know, reflects only our own experiences, and I’m not stereotyping women as selfish creatures – I’m simply saying that from what I’ve seen, most are not listeners.
I will give a typical conversation most of us men encounter with women. Let’s say this girl is a friend of mine I have known a long time.
The Non-Listener: (Negative topic brought up)
Her: Heyyy, how are ya?
Me: Eh, it’s been a rough day.
Her: Oh, sorry to hear.
[ Topic changed and conversation goes elsewhere ...]
The non-listener almost always ends any topic you bring up, relative to you, with either a one-liner condolence, or a one-liner acknowledgement of what was mentioned. Then the topic changes.
Where the topic seems to go typically is either to them, or something you’re to do together. If you’re not talking about something that involves them (this includes their interests), you’re not conversing.
Don’t take this completely wrong. I’ve met girls who are interesting, witty, and good fun to converse with. The thing I notice though, so frequently, is when the topic changes off of them, or something involving you both (because you’re with her), they very very quickly redirect the topic elsewhere.
What happens so typically, with me anyway, is I end up learning vast amounts of knowledge about particular people, but they know little to nothing about me. Sure they learn some things about me. That’s inevitable if you know anyone long enough. But the knowledge distribution is displaced exponentially.
I don’t keep myself a secret. If people want to know about me, I will tell them. But, I never tell unless you ask. I’ve acquired a feel for pushing your psychological weight onto someone else when they’re disinterested in something – it doesn’t work. I wait for someone to ask.
In life, I’ve noticed a pattern which typically finds itself in all aspects of life. It’s the circular loop. Most people unfortunately experience the financial circular loop early on in life. The rich, because they have money, end up making more money. The poor, get poorer, and struggle to get the financial ball rolling.
This same circular loop applies to conversation. The more someone knows you, the easier they become to talk to. Why? Background knowledge and context. People who do not know you, are harder to tell important things to, mainly because you have to give large amounts of background information before they can judge the situation in the proper context. Telling a person all this background information takes a lot of time typically, and most people do not care enough about you to hear your situation thoroughly. Most valuable friendships are born through knowledge of one another. The two understand each other. The more they understand each other, the more they confide in one another, and the circular loop continues. Knowledge of one another, and understanding why a person is doing what they’re doing, is nearly all of what friendship entails. Many philospohers define it as such, and the Bible even defines a friend of God in terms of understanding why he does what he does. If God defines friendship with him as such, it’s probably the way friendship is designed to work.
John 15:15 “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.”
I’ve been discussing the non-listener, but now let’s talk about a listener. Let’s take the same conversation example from before, but see how things would have happened if I’d been talking with a listener.
Her: Heyyy, how are ya?
Me: Eh, it’s been a rough day.
Her: How rough is rough?
Me: I had the unfortunate good fortune to acquire a splitting headache, which has plagued me most of today.
Her: 
You’ve told me about your headaches… Go a while without eating again?
Me: Unfortunately. Greg and I went to St. Louis, but I didn’t eat before we left – and I got really hungry by the time we finally ended up eating.
Her: Why didn’t you eat?
Me: Sleeping schedule’s all messed up. Greg wanted to leave in the morning. I’ve been waking up around 7 pm past week (I know, messed up…)
Her: Haha, you never can keep a sleeping schedule.
Me: It’s inevitable – I’ll never be able to wake up in the morning, like the rest of the world.
Her: So what were you guys doing in St. Louis?
Me: Basically, on a wild goose chase. Mr. Hinze, Greg’s old history teacher in high school, told us that the St. Louis library had many of the DVD and audio sets made by the TeachCo company. I’ve watched some of their DVD sets and I was very impressed. Hoping to get my hands on them, without having to buy all of them.
Her: They not have them?
Me: They had a few, but not anything worth making the trip to STL.
Her: That’s too bad. Headache, and no DVDs.
Me: *shakes fist at Mr Hinze*
This is the conversation of a listener. I particularly enjoy talking with people like this. You’ll notice something about this conversation: It’s all about me. It’s not something we’re mutually doing. It’s not about her. It’s about me. This rarely happens. I don’t expect this kind of conversation to be the only style I have with a girl, but with a girl I’d be interested in pursuing a relationship with, the balance of conversations I have with her like this (us talking about just her, and us talking about just me), I expect to be relatively equal.
Next thing about this conversation, she remembers things you tell her (BIG plus), and even references and remembers things about you in future converesations. Doesn’t sound like much to ask, but it’s amazing how people are so self centered that when you tell them important details about yourself (or even unimportant) – they don’t even care enough to make a mental note.
People desire to be enjoyed, not endured. People who are interested in you, just because you’re you and they want to know more about YOU. I’m no exception to this rule. If you want to know about me, don’t make me force it upon you – I’m not going to.
My typical conversation strategy with others puts as little weight on them as possible. Psychological weight, defined, is making someone hear things they do not want to hear about, and taking advantage of the fact that they’re too kind to tell you to shut up, and they’re not interested. I typically respond vaguely to questions about myself, what i’ve been up to, etc. This isn’t because I’m trying to hide things. I simply do not put psychological weight on other people that they do not want. When someone asks how I’m doing, I respond vaguely, and if they care to know more, they ask – if they do not ask, and change the topic – I assume they do not care, and the asking how I am was simply a social greeting.
I’ll tell you the strategy to listening. Whenever they say a word, which is somewhat vague – like in our example, ‘rough day’ – you inquire as to what they consider a rough day. Next I mentioned my cause for considering it a rough day was the headache. This girl knew me well enough to know I get headaches when I don’t eat. If the girl did not know me, you simply ask: ‘Get a lot of headaches? How bad are they when you get them? They always migraines?’
The format of how to be a good listener is so simple, it’s hard to screw up. You simply have to care about the other person. What makes it hard, is when you don’t care, and are not interested. I don’t believe in enduring conversations with people. If you’re having to endure conversations with people, you’re not thinking correctly. The thing which determines interest is desire, and if you do not desire association with people, you are missing out on the most interesting phenomenon that exists in our known univerise. All of my friends, who I talk and listen to, or even those I don’t get the chance to talk to very often, I don’t consider it enduring. I thoroughly enjoy hearing about people’s lives, what they’re up to, and why they’re doing what they’re doing. I simply want to know. People are interesting and have neat things going on in their lives. It’s amazing how meeting new people, or learning more about people I already somewhat know – they tend to share new things and new perspectives on life that I would never experience elsewhere.
People, to me, are not a means to some other end – they are the goal in and of themselves. There is no greater goal to me. To all my friends and family reading this – your friendship is my goal in life. Friendship defined is getting to know more about you. I have no greater goal, or greater joy, than simply knowing, and being able to share life, with you.
This is why listening ranks #1 on all my criteria for judging the higher princples of an individual.
2. Success Minded, Love of Life
All principles of character, which I feel to be positive, are all extraverted in nature. Listening is the outward manifestation of love of man. Success Minded, Love of Life is the outward manifestation of love of things outside the self. Success Minded and Love of Life actually contain Listening, as listening is desiring fellow men, who are outside the self. Listening is simply a branch of Love of life.
If you have not already read my entry on bliss (written yesterday), please read that before reading this, as I will assume you have already read that.
I spoke of in past journal entries contentment and bliss. Success was defined in terms of acquiring the objects of your bliss, and I tried to show the meaning of ‘follow your bliss.’ I had harsh things to say about contentment.
What I attempted to show, was that contentment, defined as not wanting anything – you’re perfectly happy, is the outward manifestation of people who are no longer interested in life. They do not think life has anything more to offer them. If they truly believe they are perfectly content, what they’re really saying is that nothing in our infinite world interests them anymore.
What was just stated was the Buddhist religion. Buddhists claim that the greatest evil in life is to desire things, as this causes discontentment and suffering. They wish to purge themselves of all desires, and not want anything. Only then can they reach the ideal state of being.
The person who takes the belief in contentment to it’s final extreme, is a Buddhist. They believe that if they just can be content, and be thankful for everything they have right now, and learn to be happy just where they are now, they will experience perfect bliss. This is the creed of the Buddhist.
In my article on bliss, I broke down this Buddhist conception, and showed that those who state this view do not understand what the word thankful means. The word thankful was shown (by defintion of the dictionary) to mean ‘to be fully aware of: realize fully’. Since we are not in an all knowing state, I showed that to be thankful, you have to be pursuing things outside the self, and hence, be discontented. Thankfulness and Contentment were shown to be conflicting doctrines that cannot co-exist.
There’s a frequent view that’s been held by mankind for ages. You find it’s old form in the First Noble Truth Of the Buddhists:
1. Suffering: Birth is suffering, aging is suffering, illness is suffering, death is suffering; union with what is displeasing is suffering; separation from what is pleasing is suffering; not to get what one wants is suffering; in brief, the five aggregates subject to clinging are suffering.
It’s also found written by Solomon in Ecc 1:7-8:
7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.
8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
It’s takes it’s modern form in the saying:
‘All good things take hard work’
All these views, from the Buddhist, to Solomon in the Bible, to the modern view good things take work — they all assume one thing: That the travel to get where you want to go in life is difficult and unpleasant.
This view is completely wrong and I never realized it until Bertrand Russell pointed the flaw in the mindset in his book ‘The Conquest of Happiness’. What Russell said was that all value in the whole is found by the combined value of it’s contained parts.
What I just said was profound and blew me away the first time I heard it. Let’s say you wish to become a physicisit. Most people say, “Oh, it’s going to be hard work to become a physicist. You’re going to have to go to school for 8 years and get your Ph.D, before it finally pays off.”
This view is wrong. It assumes no value in the trip, and that the only thing of any value is when you get the job. I spoke on this before. In this case, becoming the physicist is only a means to get money. You never wanted to be a physicist – you just wanted a job that pays well. I spoke on such goals. If you do not pursue the thing as a goal in and of itself, and are using it as a means to something else – that object is not something you even desire.
Next point to be taken – the idea of ‘hard work’. Becoming a physicist is the culimation of all the corresponding knowledge associated with physics. Think of a pie exisiting outside the self. Say this pie had, oh, 1000 slices. Each slice you take in (learn via knowledge) you become 1/1000th of the way closer to becoming a physicist. You learn, step by step, to become a physicist. Getting a degree does not make you a physicist. You became a physicst each day you went to class, every day you studied your material. As you learned each slice, you came closer and closer to becoming a physicist.
Now, why is this ‘hard work’? I suppose it takes time and effort, but if you DESIRE to be a physicist, it’s not work. Each thing you learn about physics is not unpleasant. This is not hard work – it’s something you want to be doing. You may recall me speaking of happiness being found in the resistance and pursuit of your goal. This is because you are acquiring happiness piece by piece. Those who say ‘All good things take hard work’ or paraphrased ‘The things you desire most in life will take a lot of hard work which will be displeasant’ fail to notice that the actual pursuit of the things you desire is where the happiness (pleasure) is found.
Desire for an object does not work like they think. The saying ‘All Good things take hard work’ assumes that the trip is miserable. They think all the pleasure you’re going to find in pursuing something is when you finally attain the object. This is false. The real pleasure is in the trip, as you acquired piece by piece what you desired. If you desire is to be a physicist, your joy will increase as your knowledge in the subject increases. If your desire was the degree, your only joy will be the fleeting instant you attain the degree. A singular point in time has no depth. What happens to those who desire the degree — a huge euphoria when they get the degree and the pleasure just slides back downhill. The man who really desired physics, his pleasure just slowly rises as he acquired each section of knowledge (piece/slices).
I personally enjoy spending time around happy individuals, and all happy individuals I meet are out there doing things. They have projects, they have desires, they have dreams. They’re always moving foward and always acquiring their bliss objects every single day.
I may hear a counter argument, saying they’ve seen ambitious individuals and men of great success who are unhappy. This is true. What you’ll also see in common with all the miserable individuals is introverted goals – fame, impress, outward success. If their mind was truly focused on extraverted goals – they are not focused on themselves – they will be happy and enjoy life.
Back to the qualities of a woman. I am attracted to happy women, and happy women are not introverted, they must be extraverted.
Once an individual begins to focus on the world outside of their own mind, they find it full of many interesting things. If they’ll let go of strange philosophies and mindsets that keep them focused on themselves and failure, they will start to hear their bliss calling them to some extraverted object outside themselves, and as they get closer to it, and acquire it, they will get happier and happier.
Contentment is the outward sign of disinterest of life. Excellence in your bliss is the outward sign of love of life. People who just bubble over joy, typically do so when talking or working with their bliss. They may be a professor in some subject. They may be a scientist – a philosopher – a psychologist, or musician. What I look for in a woman, is an excellence and passion for some area of life. Some passion where they are an innovator in some new way. I believe bliss leads someone to always innovate and add something new the world has never seen before. Something that makes everyone’s lives better.
I myself run into a very unfortunate dilemma. Women in the age ranges of 18-24(maybe a little older) tend to think in terms of hard work, and the journey is displeasant. Most women I talk to that are around my age, all speak of their college classes. I rarely, and I mean RARELY see a passion in them for what it is they’re studying. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. These girls are not speaking about their classes. They only talk about ‘Oh, I have a final coming up’ or ‘ i have a test coming up’ or read you off their schedule. Classes are a neccessary evil they must endure. They never talk about the actual content of the classes. You try to bring it up, they speak on it briefly, and change the subject. These people, do not really have a passion for what it is they’re studying. Their college studies are simply a means to a job, and I suppose they hope to make enough money to get whatever it is they’re actually wanting out of life.
Greg and I have a friend named Matt. He’s getting a little older now, and made some mistakes with college. Now he’s wanting to go back again before he gets too old. He thinks of the whole college atmosphere, the parties, the girls… I don’t know what he’s after. It’s strange. My mindset points me to enjoy conversations with older individuals and look forward to the future. His mindset is just the opposite. He worries about getting older and missing his opportunity to live it up in college.
I typically enjoy reading books written by old men, by philosophers and great thinkers in their prime of life (70+ years old). Men who focus their lives on mind cultivation – life only gets better for them with time. They value knowledge of the world most, as this brings them great joy, directing them to pleasurable actions. Mind cultivators lives get better with time… The typical college student worries about getting older. They worry about gaining some weight, looking older, and not being able to get dates with beautiful members of the opposite sex. Or just as bad, they’re dreaming of the day they finally make it out of the prison (their classes). This is ridiculous. There’s no bliss in this mindset. No bliss calls to such things.
The mind cultivator keeps seeing more and more opportunity out of life as he grows older, since he is learning more about it each day. These students like Matt see their opportunties fleeting before them each day.
This leads me to my final analysis on character.
3. Intelligence
Intelligence is secondary to the others on my list, because desire for things outside the self are what bring forth intelligence. The desire for life – desire for something besides yourself – that is what brings intelligence. People study and research whatever it is they’re interested in (desire).
I can meet a girl, who is not very intelligent, but if she has a love of life, and a love of people – the knowledge will come to her.
Intelligence is a principle I believe to evaluate the quality of a woman. It’s a positive quality, as a person does not acquire intelligence unless there was some degree of extraverted desire which brought forth the intelligence.
The first and foremost form of intelligence is reflected in a person’s morals. Their morality is a form of their love of their fellow man, and the world around them. How much they respect, and care for, the people and things around them, directly reflects their extraversion. The person who appreciates the people and world around them, will not be destructive.
The goal of intelligence is to direct a man wisely. What is wisdom? I define it as what will bring forth what you desire. I feel wholeheartedly that all knowledge, and all intelligence is to lead toward happiness of as many people as possible.
Some may consider knowledge of all the ways a person can fail to be knowledge. Maybe it is. But I would say that wisdom would be that knowledge that leads a person to succeed in their desires.
Intelligence in the area of their bliss would be the next area – as this will make them shine with happiness. Intelligence in hobbies and others interests are also very valuable as well, as they help keep the mind seeing the big picture.
I feel mentally drained, and need a break. I’m going to wrap this up. These are the three main criteria divisions I feel are most important in a woman, or anybody for that matter.
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