Reading a book off my shelf, I picked up one on divorce. I found an interesting list: Top-reasons people get divorced. These aren’t in any particular order. I find this list interesting. If these things are present in the relationship, in all likelihood it will soon end. Considering the high divorce rates around the world, this is a fascinating look into us as human beings and what we find important in a lover. Whenever you see a divorce lawyer, or a marriage counselor, they will be asking you about these areas:
Is your spouse too stingy, denying even the necessities of life? Is your spouse too extravagant? Or maybe they’re secretive about the money, and won’t tell you anything? Prone to use excessive credit, running up too many debts? Or maybe they refuse to use credit entirely. Are bills neglected? (with creditor’s hassling to get paid)
2. Embarrassing, humiliating experiences, public and private
I’ve seen this one happen to couples a lot. The husband goes off on a political tirade, and the wife looks toward the floor, just praying he’ll shut up.
3. Alcohol and drug use, gambling, and related activities
Strange that alcohol is linked in the same category as gambling. Why wouldn’t gambling be its own category? Reminds me of what Greg always talks about: segments. Certain segments of the population, if they’re prone to do this, they’re also prone to do other things as well. Gambling and alcohol seem to go hand and hand. Of the alcoholics I’ve met, all of them gambled. Unfortunately, they’re all dead now. They died in their early 50s, with gray hair, and looked like sickly old men and women. Compare that to my father, in his late fifties, and has taken care of himself. He doesn’t look old at all.
Is your spouse inconsiderate in the bedroom, wanting to do things you’re uncomfortable with? Or maybe your spouse refuses to have sex at all? Or maybe there’s too much sex, and it’s driving you nuts. Are there unreasonable demands? Are there perversions, which disgust you? Is your husband impotent, and incapable of satisfying you? Maybe you’re unable to have a child?
5. Affection in relationship
Affection tends to start off strong, and weaken with time, possibly receiving jolts here and there, breathing some fresh life into things. Men love a woman intensely in the beginning, and then the affection wanes away with time. I think if people were rational this would would be the other way around. In the beginning you don’t know each other. I’d think the relationship would be worth more as you invested more of your time and energy into it. But the common relationship cycle is more rooted in emotion and biological chemistry than thought and true admiration for things like moral character, determination, and intelligence. Emotions can be fickle when they’re rooted in things like sex appeal. The brain also has a way of always wanting something new. If all you’re after is sex, then you’ll always want a new woman. However, if you develop mentally with one another, you can always keep things new and interesting by learning together.
6. Adultery and extramartial relations
7. Relationships with In-Laws
Does your spouse mistreat your mother and father? Or maybe your in-laws are interfering with your life and you’re uncomfortable with it.
8. Mistreatment of children
Is your spouse a bad influence on the children? Is there verbal or physical abuse?
9. Neglects of domestic responsibilties
The two most common complaints in this category revolve around chores, and men not taking their proper place in the father role. After working all day, men don’t feel like dealing with the trash, mowing the lawn, washing the dishes, unplugging the sink, scrubbing the shower walls, and all of that. They just want to watch the ball game with the guys, eat something good, have sex, and go to bed. Now that both husband AND wife are working, it seems everyone’s too tired to deal with house work, and recriminations of laziness develop on both sides.
I might be old fashioned, but this sounds like a serious problem in our society. Our homes are no longer existent. They’re just empty boxes we go to at night to sleep in, and change clothes. Pay repairmen to fix and maintain them while we’re away at work. Children are sent to daycares and other centers after school, or sometimes come home to an empty house. Parents then join them at home later that night, too tired to help them with homework, or feed them. We hope the state will completely educate and raise our children, but nothing can replace a father’s or a mother’s involvement in the child raising process. Teachers can only partially serve this role. Everyone needs a group of people in their life which is consistent, built on a foundation which never changes. That’s what family is. People you know will always be there, and love you no matter what. We work too much. If you have kids, and a family, you have to make sacrifices in your job and career. It’s that simple.
10. Lying and deception
11. Social relationships
Coworkers, your spouse’s friends, etc
12. Offensive language
A lot of people complain about harsh language
13. Physical and psychological abuse
14. Physical, psychological, and emotional health
15. Neglect of personal hygiene
16. Initiative and ambition
If you’re ambitious, your family may end up losing out as you spend too many late-night hours at the office working.
17. Temperament and disposition
This includes failures to communicate, cold shoulder treatments, indifference to things going on, nagging, and uncontrollable rage
Do you have frequent arguments? How intense are they? What are their causes? Where do they occur? Are others around when they happen?
19. Threats, violence, desertion, divorce, suicide, etc
20. Jealousy, false accusations
21. Moral character and principles
22. Criminal history
Is your spouse into the occult? Is he or she continually seeking gurus and other spiritual masters? Into psychics? A religious fanatic?
24. Driving habits; accidents
Reminds me of when I rode with my Uncle Richard. I was scared to death. He was cutting out into traffic, buzzing around. I was like, “I… don’t want to ride with you again.” I can see how this could stress out someone, if you had to ride with this person all the time.
25. Intellect and social background
I’ve heard stories of one spouse going to college, whereas the other works to send them there. Once the spouse graduates, and is much more intelligent, he or she can’t stand to be around the uneducated spouse. Then they divorce. Sad situation.
26. Acts of retaliation and revenge
28. Failure to treat spouse as an equal
This is the one I always hear when celebrities get divorced
Some people really can’t stand little children, and their crying. Children are a big responsibility. A lot of time, money, and effort is expended raising them. You have to be prepared. I imagine a lot of people underestimate how much will be involved and once they find that they’ll have to give up on their own dreams, they can only take it so long.