How To Handle Rejection Like A Man

There’s a girl I’ve known now for several years, and over time we’ve developed a friendship.  During all our talks over the years, I’ve grew fond of her, and eventually decided that I should see if she’s developed feelings for me, like I have for her.

I sent her an email telling her how I felt about her, and how I still have a lot of business related work I need to get done, but that maybe she’d be interested in something between us, after I get some of this other stuff out of the way.  She had never viewed me as anything more than a friend, and rejected the offer.  What I’m going to write about now is how do you handle a situation like this, without it destroying you emotionally?

Events like this can be really painful.  They can even be emotionally scarring for life if your affections for the girl are strong enough. I can especially remember this happening in high school with a girl, and it was a hard thing when it happened.  I got angry over it all, hated the girl afterwards, and had a general disdain for women which lasted for several years.  Part of it was due to how the girl handled it all, and part of it was just my own childish ways.

But what is amazing about this latest experience, approximately 10 years afterward, is that the pain was very mild, and there was no hatred at all.  Very little conflict happened within me.  Seeing the progress that I have made, I was really happy, and thought to myself, “I’ve really came a long way in the past 10 years.”

Is it because my mind is so numb these days, I can’t even feel emotion?  No.  Is it because I have no true feelings for the girl?  No.  Is it because I didn’t really want a relationship anyway?  No.

It was more so the opposite.  I think very highly of the girl, have developed some pretty serious emotional attachment to her, and do care about her.  I think it would have been very nice if she would have accepted. Then why didn’t it hurt, like it did with the high school girl?  What’s changed inside of me that kept out those old feelings of hatred and pain, which hurt me so bad a long time ago?

I attribute near all of this success to changes in the way I view things these days.  I’ve been working very hard to develop a strong mental infrastructure within me that can handle problems, and leave me with peace of mind.  But this entry isn’t really about me, even though it may have sounded that way by how I leaded into this.  What I really want to do is discuss is the series of steps I took mentally, and how it avoided pain and misery, and why.

First off, when I heard her response, there was some pain and disappointment.  I felt some anxiety.  It’s important though to know, there’s nothing wrong with this, and it’s just the natural result of this sort of thing.

Back in high school, when this same event happened, I remember I thought to myself, “Fine.  It’s your loss.  You don’t know what you’re missing!  You’re no good anyways!”  This is running away, and denial.  You don’t really believe she’s “no good”.  Why would you have just asked her to enter a relationship with you?

As for the girl I talked with the other day, I never at all entertained any sort of belief that she’s “no good”.  I still think, and will tell you, she’s amazing.  I won’t say any less about her, because that’s simply not true.  Never deny what you truly believe, and always be objective, and face every obstacle.  If pain is coming your way, don’t run.  Even when you don’t like certain facts, never deny them.  It’s a sign of a coward to run away from the truth just because you don’t like what you see.

The strange thing about running away from fears is that you cannot escape them, because they are inside of you.  They’ll stay there within you, causing you misery until you’re man or woman enough to confront them.  You’ll drag them around everywhere you go.  It’s important to never carry painful baggage around with you.  Running away from fears and painful experiences is, strangely, the way we carry things with us.  Confronting it is actually the way we put something aside.  As strange as it sounds, that’s the way it works with our mental life.

The all too common second response is, “It’s her loss.”  This kind of response is very pretentious and arrogant.  If you want peace of mind in life, you’ll have to learn ways of thought which elimiate distinctions between yourself and others.  Such ways of thinking lead to respecting others opinions, and decisions.  When you say, “It’s her loss”, what you’re really saying is that her judgement as to the situation is inferior to your own, and that she’s just too stupid to see how good the offer is in front of her.  Most of the time, she knows herself and what’s good for her, better than you do.  If you want peace of mind, you can never think lowly of others.  You always respect them, and value who they are.  This is actually a subtle art, and I know few people who understand it.  But oh, what a beautiful art it is when you learn it, and start to master it!  I will teach it to you.

With me, when I see someone making a decision I do not agree with, I do not judge them.  I more so ask why they are making the decision they are making, and try to envision myself in their shoes.  This leads to me telling myself that I would have made the same decision as they would have, if I were in their shoes.

It’s difficult to learn empathy.  It’s even more difficult to leave your own body and completley immerse yourself in another’s position and situation.  There’s so many factors that must be taken into account.  First you have the person’s history, and all the events they’ve been through.  You have their family, their friends, their job, their school studies, and everything else. The world around us is constantly modifying our inner world, and we are forming views as to how we are going to think about things, and how we’re planning to deal with various situations.   Even with the utmost knowledge in psychology and the mind, even then, you’re only able to approximately put yourself in others shoes.

This brings us to the next point.  More often than not, we do not have enough knowledge to even come close to putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes.  We have to do our best to respect this situation, and realize our own inability to properly see things out of their eyes.  Notice how different this is than “It’s her loss”.  I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that she has her reasons for her decision, and that she most likely knows what’s best for her.  “It’s her loss” says the opposite.

Before moving on, you may be wondering why we even try to put ourselves in the other’s shoes, when we can so easily be wrong?  We may think to ourselves she rejected us because of one reason, when it really was another.  Why even take the risk of being wrong?  Why not just say, “She has her reasons”, and that be that?

The reason is you need to always be growing mentally.  If you don’t try to understand why people do what they do, you’ll never grow in this area.  In anything you have to first form a theory, and then test.  This is how knowledge in anything is gained.  You guess why you think it happened, and then you keep your eyes open, and wait for futher testing to see if you’re wrong.  Even if you turn out wrong, you’ll be able to correct and modify your mindsets accordingly, as new experiences come in.  But if you never guess, your mind will not have anything to look for, and you will never learn.  You will stay completely stupid.

If you think she rejected you because of something you did wrong, or some way you act, or whatever, then keep that in mind, and when you approach another girl, try to change that part of yourself.  See if you get better results.  Also, if you try to figure things out, when you finally meet someone who understands where you’re failing, and he or she gives you advice, it will make a lot more sense to you.

Anyways, back to our discussion.  Choosing an “It’s your loss” mentality does not help you in the least.  First off, if you’re friends, it will strain your friendship, because you’re now looking down on her.  Second, it won’t help you get the girl.  Third, it will cause you mental agitation and conflict, as you drag hatred around inside yourself.  Fourth, it will keep you from learning from your mistakes, as you’ll always blame the girl’s inferior reasoning capacity, instead of possibly considering you may be the problem.  In conclusion, it only hinders you and inflates your ego, and does not help you achieve the goal you were after anyways.  And if your ego gets too inflated, it will hurt you when you go to pursue other relationships later.  You’re only heading down the road of self ego, and disdain of others.  Go too far down that road and no one will want to be around you.  Hence, a spiral of misery. Such a response is simply a way of running away from failure.

Self-inflated egos can lead to some rather crazy situations.  You’ll be out with some friends and see two grossly overweight women who think they’re God’s gift to sex-appeal.  They approach and say, “Hey there boy, want some of this?”  You refuse, and they leave saying, “Those skinny white guys, they don’t know how to handle a reaallllll woman!”  They can keep telling themselves that, but that’s not what’s even going on.  Don’t let this happen to you.  People who live lies oftentimes congregate together, and hide in their own company.

It’s a good idea to be a little humble.  Most people do not understand how confidence and humility walk side by side.  It’s important to love who you are, and be comfortable in your own skin.  But it’s also important not to think so highly of yourself that you cannot see your own faults.  It’s kind of tricky to see how the two go together.  The secret is understanding that who you are now, is not neccessarily who you have to always be.

If you’re not very smooth or charming around others, don’t lie to yourself.  Always know where you are currently.  But also, you must believe that you can achieve any goal you set your mind to.  Study and practice, and you’ll overcome anything in life.  And don’t beat yourself up when you fail your first times developing and growing.  Everybody’s been there, and you’ll eventually make it too.

I suppose the next topic is, “How do I let go?”  Imagine yourself in some void, where you and the girl exist side by side on some road.  This alternate world is your mind, and attachment to her.  The past mindsets we covered, saying, “You’re no good”, and “It’s your loss”, represent slapping her, and then running off.  The better way to handle things is to shake her hand, wish her well, set yourself in a new direction, and slowly walk away.  Chances are, if you’re attached to her, you didn’t get so attached over night.  It took you a while to get so close to her, and it’ll take a while to get away from her.  But, don’t look back, and just take it one day at a time, moving in a new direction.  Eventually she’ll end up so far in the distance that you can’t even see her anymore.  That’s when you’re over her.  Also, what’s nice about handling things maturely, is that if you run into her on the road of life again, there’s no awkward confrontations, past bitterness, hatred, and all of that.  It’s just two old friends running into each other, which is how it should be.

We should also cover a modern mindset, which view women as commodities.  Everybody’s into this sort of “seduction” movement these days.  All the guys want to be this “player”, or whatever they call themselves.  You talk to them about this situation and they say, “Ah man, don’t worry about that girl.  You know how many women there are out there?” … “There’s more fish in the sea”

I personally do not like such thinking.  It leads to a view that no woman is special, and a find.  There’s always some other woman who can take her place.  Maybe I’m “old fashioned”, but I believe everybody is unique, and each person brings to the world their own unique contribution.  I think if you view all women the same, your knowledge of any of them individually is so shallow, you don’t even have a relationship with them to begin with.

When people view women this way, they put filters on their minds, and tell themselves they know everything there is to know about life.  If you go into anything already thinking you know everything, you’ll never learn anything new.  You’ll ruin the very experience life has to offer, because you’re not even open to receiving it.  There’s similarities between a lot of women, but there’s also some fine subtle distinctions as well.  Then there’s some women I’ve met, who are near completely their own thing.  Maybe it’s just me, but I like attention to detail.  Dumb people think in big vague boxes.  To them, interaction with others is just a sort of hazy emotional experience.  There’s really a lot more though.  One of my favorite philosophers, David Hume, once said that people have a universal tendency to think all people like themselves, and have a strong inclination to attribute to each new person they meet the attributes they are already familiar with.  It’s truly rare to find people who can see outside their own little box of self, and see that not everyone thinks like them, nor should.

But besides filtering life’s experiences, this “more fish in the sea” mindset leads to a view of, “I don’t need you.”  Trouble starts, and people leave, thinking they can always find someone else.  Instead of learning to work things out, they instead keep running around, doing the same mistakes over and over.

But this isn’t about relationships, it’s about handling rejection.  It’s time to conclude this first part.  When rejected, do not look down on the girl.  Do not deny that you still like/love her.  Do not run away.  Put yourself in her shoes if you can, give her the benefit of the doubt, and respect her decision.

This covers the practical aspects of handling rejection.  I’d like to take this issue a lot deeper though.  The second part will be more random, but it’ll be more accurate as to the things I actually thought about when it all happened.

27 thoughts on “How To Handle Rejection Like A Man”

  1. Quote: “…Why would you have just asked her to enter a relationship with you?”

    One thing to keep in mind is that there’s really no such thing as a “friend box” and a “relationship box”… as in “ok, Sally, things are good, now how about we step out of this box and enter into the relationship box?”

    Like we’re embarking on some kind of grand journey or something 🙂 The problem is, setting it up in this way creates weird tension and unrealistic expectations.

    I’ve dealt with some bad basis girls the past few months where all they want to do is enter the “relationship box” as soon as possible, when in fact no real relationship actually exists. They think in terms of these imaginary boxes, as does most of society. Bad basis.

    A cleaner basis way to approach this is to think in terms of interacting with girls (all girls, as a natural part of your inner being – whether you are “attracted” to them initially or not) in such a way that THEIR attraction is built from the get-go. Some people call this “being charming” or flirting or whatever. Doing it that way eliminates the need for any “box thinking” and by the time one of you decides to “take it further” it will seem more like the next obvious logical step instead of some kind of big jump or a “move” of some kind.

    These out of place jumps and moves are what create awkwardness and tension between people. And when there is no big jump to be made, any transition you could possibly want becomes much easier.

  2. You’re probably right in terms of strategy, but I never had any initial intentions of forming these sorts of feelings, and even when they did start, I resisted, not wanting them to happen. You know me better than anyone, and know this sort of thing is not a high priority to me, as right now, TDP and the other projects really are what matter at the moment. It was a weird situation for me, and I just decided to tell her. I wanted to tie up some loose ends hanging inside me mentally, and kill the curiosity and wonder. It seems life is about to enter a new stage for me (well, both of us really), and I considered the option, if it was discovered she felt the same way. I’m sure you’re right about the box jumping. Continuous build-up is probably a better strategy. I suppose with your way of dealing with it, since you never ask to take it to a “next level”, rejection doesn’t even exist.

  3. Thank you. i finally have peace , i now feel stupid 4 being bitter n hating her. really thank you .the pain i felt has been removed.

  4. Good article. I agree that hating & looking down on anyone who rejects you is very immature. But on the other end; putting that person on a pedestal and acting as if there’s something wrong with you is just as bad. She has issues like everyone else And just because she rejected you doesn’t mean she’s better than you – you’re just not her type, so move on.

  5. Hi there! Thanks a million for the great advices! They are of great help! There is this matter that I would like to seek for your advice though: There is this girl I have loved for a long time(around 7 years). At the beginning when I first got to know her, I made my feelings known to her but got rejected. However, I did not lose hope on pursuing her and over the years, I constantly do things for her, just like what any other guy would do for the girl they love. Somewhere last year, she told me that she had some feelings for me, reason being “I was nice”. After going out with her for a handful of times, she now says that she just sees me as a friend as my character such as childishness doesn’t suit her. Hence, I would like to seek your advice if I should still go after her after I have truly “grown up”, the main reason being I love her a lot for the person she is(character & looks wise) and have the thinking that she will be the only girl I love in this lifetime as my heart does not have space for any other girls anymore. I know many guys say this but don’t mean what they say, but I’m different from them. Thank you very much in advance!

    1. @Need Your Advice

      I really don’t feel qualified to give much advice to people beyond telling them, “Don’t hate a girl if she rejects you”, but it sounds as if you really want my advice though, so I will give it. Maybe if you work to change yourself and your personality she’ll fall for you. I don’t know what may happen there and I wish you the best of luck with her. But you have to face the possibility that she’ll never accept you as more than a friend – you may face continued disappointment by pursuing a relationship with her. If you’re wanting to grow up, I say you grow up for you, not for her. Have confidence in yourself and believe in yourself. If you want to be more mature, develop yourself in areas such as: intelligence, respect, affection, responsibility, loyalty, your sense of humor, and confidence. Set goals for yourself and work toward them. But don’t do these goals for her. It will hurt even more if you work so hard only to find out she still isn’t interested in you. Have respect for yourself. I don’t think it’s wise to base your decisions and sense of personal development on a girl who may not even return your affection in the end. And though it may seem you could never love another girl, I can say from my own experience that it’s possible, though it takes time. Best of luck!

  6. Hi dude! Thanks a million! I can’t thank you enough for that wonderful piece of advice. Advices from great people like you really make a difference(I’m not trying to “smack your ass”). I will heed your advice and work upon it, but I will not put much hope on pursuing a relationship with her as the greater the hope, the greater the disappointment. From the advices that my friends gave me that time will heal the pain, initially I did not believe it too. Later, however, I realised that it is true, since the pain in me is starting to fade away. Besides, they advised me not to talk to her until I have “grown up”, but it will take months/years in my opinion. It has been three weeks since I last talked to her, main reason being I’m trying not to be a pester to her by bothering her almost everyday. Sadly, she did not bother to start a conversation with me during this period of time. Do you think she’s trying to avoid me or something? I feel terrible seeing her online and not talking to her, which I think has become an obsession for me. On the other hand, whenever I talk to her, she doesn’t seem interested in our conversation and always give short/”can’t be bothered” replies, which made me feel worse than not starting the conversation at all. Come to think of it, it might be that I do not really know her well enough actually, which I thought I do all this while, hence not knowing her topics of interests. What are your views? Really sorry to bother you, but I hope you can help. Thank you very much again, Benefactor!

    1. @Need Your Advice

      Sorry for taking so long to reply. I’m a physicist currently taking a bunch of classes at a very difficult science institution and it has been finals week. I had to take several very difficult mathematics and physics examinations and had no time for anything. Obsessing over the girl. Well, don’t feel bad. I did the same thing when I was younger. Where to start? I’m a person who puts his career above his love life, so that’s something you’ll probably want to keep in mind when you listen to my own opinion on these things. I agree with your friends that it will take a long time to change your personality and “grow up”. That’s not something that happens overnight. I’ve met young guys who obsess over girls they meet and develop affection toward, even when their feelings are not returned. It often leaves them miserable. The best way to counteract this is to develop yourself and your life. Develop your hobbies, interests, and career and you’ll be far less inclined to obsess over a girl.

      When I was a teenager in high school, I developed an obsession for a girl. She was all I could think about. She treated me exactly as you’re now being treated. I was ignored, seemed to bother her when I tried to start a conversation with her, and was rejected any time I asked her out. At times she even insulted me, saying I only liked her because I didn’t have anything better going in my life. I was just beginning my career pursuits at that time. I felt terrible, but in a way she had a point. I’m nearing thirty now, and my career has greatly advanced, I’m much further along toward my goals, have interesting research pursuits, and I seem to have little problem keeping myself occupied. When I’m around women, they now find me fascinating and just over the past few months I’ve had three wonderful women all wanting to engage in a relationship with me. And just for a note of interest, that same girl who wasn’t interested in me in high school met up with me a few years ago, and I could tell she was very interested in me. One key to success I’ve found is to focus on making yourself a valuable and interesting person. Here’s a few pointers.

      Learn about your hometown and interesting landmarks. Learn about their stories and history. Learn how to fly a hot air balloon. Learn about the stars and constellations and the stories ancient civilizations attached to them. Learn physics and the story of our universe, about black holes, quasars, and the galaxies. Learn how to climb mountains, or travel through the forest and find a location with an amazing view. Find an ice skating rink and learn how to ice skate. Learn to scuba dive and about all the underwater life down there. (These are the sorts of things I find myself doing all the time, and just thought I’d throw them out there.)

      But the best thing you can do is find things you’re passionate about and do those things for your own sake. For example, I love video games, and I like to search out video game arcades, especially old ones. Then if I’m with the right kind of girl who enjoys games, we start competing with each other on all the old retro games and going out on dates is a lot of fun. I also enjoy shooting pool and pinball machines. I find myself traveling around on my motorcycle, seeking out the most unique and fascinating pinball machines.

      I personally enjoy clocks and timepieces, mainly because I’m a physicist whose main interest revolves around space and time. Then the girl asks me, “Why are you so interested in clocks”, and I start talking about Einstein, our universe, relativity theory, time travel, and what time really is. At that point my fascination becomes their fascination, and they’re interested to be around me.

      The average person defines their personality based on what they consume. They tell about what movies they like, what music they listen to, what books they read, and so on. Don’t be like that. Be a proactive person who creates something. You may be a person who creates music as a musician. You may be a wood worker who builds custom furniture. You may create videos on youtube as a master of special effects. There’s a million different things, but find something to DO. Be active and engaged with the world. That’s what will make you interesting, and as you get “out there” in the world, doing your thing, people will be around you and notice what you’re doing. Then it’s likely that you’ll meet a woman who shares your interests.

      Hope that helps!

  7. Hi dude! Can you please let me know your perspectives during your free time because I value your opinions greatly. Thanks a lot!

  8. Hey dude! Really sorry to give you so much trouble when you were so busy. My bad for being inconsiderate. Anyway, thank you so much for taking your precious time to share your experiences with me. They are very helpful. It must have taken you quite a while to write that. Kudos to you!

    As the days go by, I tried to change my thinking a little by telling myself there are many other girls out there and that the girl I like now, may not be the one for me. It made me feel better in a way or another such that I felt less obsessed over her at the moment. Besides, I also tried to limit myself to chat with her to once a week and when doing so, I would think twice before saying anything so that it would not another childish comment of mine. Apparently, it seems to be working a little as she is starting to converse a little more. Maybe it’s because she’s more interested on mature stuff, but we’ll see how it goes then.

    Recently, I had bought some books on how to overcome obsession as well as to improve myself as a person, hoping to become a better person as I work on the help provided.

    Having said all that, as I’m currently an undergraduate in my early twenties, I don’t think I will have time to read the books I bought nor do the things that you recommended or else it may affect my studies. However, I will work on them during my holidays after my examinations. Actually, come to think of it, it might be loneliness that caused my obsession as I’m an international student in a foreign land without many friends and kins, hence resulting in me being needy. Oh well, what I plan to do now is to concentrate on my studies and not think of any other things during my undergraduate life, two main reasons being that life only starts when I enter into the working world I guess and I can’t really do much being an undergraduate, since my studies is an obstacle to many things.

    Anyway, I would like to thank you again for taking your time to provide me with great advices during what seemed to be one of the most difficult periods of my life to overcome it. If fate permits, I would like to meet this great person in future. As for now, I wish you all the best in everything you do and may everything go well for you! =)

  9. This article has immensely helped me and I’ve found myself doing every single thing you said not to do, do I’ve obviously changed that part of my life. It is still a struggle, and unique per person so if you still check here my email is there thanks for the help man.

  10. Nice, I really liked your view on this subject. Handling rejection is something most of us fail at (speaking from experience), but really it’s all about knowing yourself. If you know yourself, know who you are and what your capabilities and areas of opportunity are, you can overcome anything. Everything can be a learning experience, even the most painful and difficult situations. I agree also that resenting people for not seeing things your way is childish and solves nothing. Once you start to look at yourself and see where you could be better and work on that you find that the most important thing is always doing what’s best for you no matter what.

    Thank you for the insight, it’s really awesome to see that we all go through the same things.

  11. Hi all, I feel dirty honestly that I’m still dwelling over this person. Im what I still think is really young (Im only 17) and I have never had a girlfriend. I’ve only asked two girls out on a date an both times have been rejected. My first during my first year of highschool, a girl whom I had known for 3 years and sadly I lost a good friendship from it. But recently and more importantly my most recent rejection, her name is Megan. Even I can laugh but also be dissapointed in myself that I can develope such complex feelings for a person at an early stage of my life, I had not even known her for very long and I starting growing dangerously affectionate of her. I was a fool to think that It wouldent hurt as much as my first rejection but I was just being ignorant and embracing denial because I knew the answer would be no. After trying to just talk and be friendly she decided that we shouldent talk for a while (not sure if I’m just stupid but I think that means for EVER) And now I’m carrying all my feelings for this individual, shes stuck in my head and in my heart. I’ve read the article and I dont hate her, in fact I love her and would do anything to make her smile. But I dont want to see her in the future and be “passing friends”, I want to lose everything I feel for her because as pathetic as it is everytime I cant remember her face my heart feels weird and I have a slight breathing difficulty. I cant stop thinking about her and I think I need serious help because I feel as if I’m breaking down and that my sanity is slipping.

    Sure there may be many fish in the sea, but none will ever have scales as beautiful as hers.

  12. I recently tried hooking up (not to date) with a lady, that I was attracted to, but she made me feel so uncomfortable. I unfortunately continued to get to know her, but she was not a good fit. She was looking for a alpha male, but I was not that guy. Moral of the story if the girl makes you so uneasy that it causes you to not be yourself because she is not what you are looking for, she is not worth it irrespective of how attractive she is. Always be honest to yourself about what you like, and never sway off your track because you will be doing yourself a great disservice. Also read the vibes before approaching, no point if she doesn’t even see you or turns head immediately your in her line of vision.

  13. Hi Jason, wow! I am so glad that I came across this. I enjoyed reading your article tremendously with advices on how to achieve a peace of mind. Thank you so much for doing such great service to many of us men who have to face rejections. As a matter of fact I just got rejected today so everything is still fresh in my mind. I hope that this pain will soon go away. Thank you very very much again for this article. I will keep on reading it again whenever I feel down 🙂

  14. Thank you very much for your best wishes Jason. Yesterday I’ve realized that there are some people around me that are experiencing problems that are more severe and extremely worrying and I feel very sorry that they are going through such circumstances. It makes my situation seem very minute now and I feel bad and in a way stupid of making it such a big deal now.

  15. In a few months from now I will be 30, though I have had relationships before, I find it very hard these days to get the attention of the women I like and will want to date. And now I’m beginning to think I’m not good for any woman, even though I wanted to love them but the thought of rejection keep me far from going to them as I’m very emotional. Please advise me on what to do. I don’t want to have hatred for women as this will be more bad, but still yet I don’t know what to do. Of recent I was trying to start a relationship with a girl I feel I’m attracted to, though we have had 2 dates and I know I did well(conversation everything was good to my part) I still feel she does not like me. Just yesterday she promised to come to my place and when I start calling her, she is not even woman enough to tell me she can’t make it and fix a new date, rather she decide not to pick calls/cut the call. Now I’m in the blank, I don’t know what to do. Should I stop to calling her and look for someone else or still try? Because I remembered it took me almost a week before I get a second date from her. But I don’t want to me seen by her as an immature adult that keeps calling and wont accept thing the way they are. Please tell me what to do, I need a woman to love and a mother for my unborn kids, I don’t want to go on living alone. HELP ME. Thanks.

  16. I just stumbled onto this. I have been seeing someone for around 10 months, or so I thought. We would go out a few times a month, talk on the phone or text several times a week, and when I challenged her to move into the next phase, becoming a real couple instead of friends who hang out, she flat rejected me, telling me her intuition tells her that we will never work. She likes me, she enjoys my company but won’t even try to see if there is something good there. I’m devastated with her unwillingness to try and hurt at the rejection. Your article may help me get through some rough times as I will see her several times a week. Thanks!

  17. Several months ago I met a young woman who was involved in a relationship which later ended. After that, whenever we were at the same karaoke venue, we’d sit together and chat. It was pleasant and we grew to know more about each other. Although I knew there was not the right kind of chemistry for a long term, permanent relationship I became attracted to her.

    I’ve been without a significant other for years and that means I haven’t had the joy of sharing physical intimacy for a long time. I would have so much enjoyed and appreciated even casual, no strings attached sex with her but she insisted we be friends without benefits.

    As weeks passed, she had four one night stands with guys I knew from the karaoke scene. It seemed casual sex was something she didn’t have any problem with. Except with me. I’m older than she is and she said she didn’t want to get involved with an older man. Okay, no involvement. I understand her reasons but it hurts me for her to reject me for fun sex when she so easily does it with guys who were nearly strangers.

    I’m hurt. She still wants to be friends without benefits but to see her flirting with other guys and possibly taking them home is just painfully devastating when sex with her would have meant so much to me. It seemed having meaningless sex for her was so easy yet she’d choose men she barely knew rather than me who she’s come to know and professes to like me.

    When I talked to her about my pain of rejection, she told me I was like all other men and I’m acting childish because of not getting what I want. It’s all moot now since she and her ex-boyfriend are back together again but that leaves me having a very difficult time with my pain. We still see each other at some of the same public places and every time I see her is a reminder that she had meaningless, superficial sex with others and totally refuses to have anything to do with me. She still considers us to be friends.

    There’s no one I know who I could talk with about this and I just have to get it out. Any advice?

    1. Curt,

      I have no idea what to say. I wish I was an expert on love and relationships, but I’m not.

      I talked about your situation with some of my friends, and a buddy of mine speculated that maybe you’re always there for her and that’s all she wants from you.

      I wondered that maybe she simply is not attracted to you, for whatever reason. If you’re interested in hookups, intimacy isn’t what women are after. You’ll want to spend as much time as you can in the gym, wear stylish clothes, and just be charming. Look good, make them laugh. Beyond that, I don’t know much about hookups.

      Wish I had more to offer, but this is far from my area of expertise.

  18. @Curt – iv been exact same situation for little over 2 years now girl lives in apt building i work in im 63 shes 50 has even told me she could not imagine me not in her life but weve never been romantic shes awidowed mother goes out with lots of guys says she would like something meaningful but seems to look in all wrong places she knows i care and have feelings but ilove her as a person first its just a tough place to be advice keep up friedship but look elsewhere im trying the same god bless you

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